Self-Trust and ADHD: Breaking the Cycle of Disappointment
Have you ever made a promise to yourself, fully believing you’d follow through… only to find yourself disappointed again?
That cycle of intention → disappointment → self-criticism is one of the most painful aspects of living with ADHD that nobody talks about enough.
Over time, it erodes something precious: your trust in yourself.
This isn’t about laziness or lack of willpower (those myths need to be put to rest). It’s about having a brain wired differently from the systems and expectations surrounding us.
The Hidden Cost of Broken Self-Promises
When we repeatedly fail to follow through on commitments we make to ourselves, something deeper than the task itself suffers. Research from the University of California has found that self-trust—our belief in our own reliability and capability—directly impacts our sense of self-efficacy and overall well-being (Brown & Ryan, 2021). For those of us with ADHD brains, this creates a particularly painful paradox:
“The longer we believe we just need to try harder, the more damage this can do to our fundamental relationship with ourselves.”
Each time we set an intention we genuinely believe in – whether it’s starting a new morning routine, completing a project by a deadline, or simply remembering to make that important call – and then don’t follow through, we reinforce a devastating narrative: I can’t trust myself.
Why Traditional Advice Makes It Worse
How many times have you heard (or told yourself):
- “You just need more discipline”
- “Try harder next time”
- “Make a better plan”
- “Use more reminders”
This advice isn’t just unhelpful – it’s actively harmful for ADHDers. A 2023 study in the Journal of Attention Disorders found that shame-based motivation techniques and rigid productivity frameworks actually increased anxiety and decreased follow-through among adults with ADHD (Martinez & Williams, 2023).
Why? Because these approaches completely misunderstand what’s happening in our brains.
The Executive Function Connection
Self-trust challenges for ADHDers aren’t a character flaw – they’re neurologically based.
Executive functions are like our brain’s project management team. They help us plan, prioritize, remember, and follow through.
When we have ADHD, this team operates differently, creating what researchers call “intention-action gaps” (Barkley, 2019).
These gaps occur because:
- Time Perception Differences: Our brains process time differently, making future consequences feel less real (Sonuga-Barke et al., 2022)
- Working Memory Challenges: We may genuinely forget our intentions, even important ones (Alderson et al., 2019)
- Motivation Processing Differences: Our dopamine systems respond differently to rewards, making inconsistent follow-through more likely (Volkow et al., 2021)
- Task Initiation Barriers: The transition from intention to action requires more neurological effort (Antshel & Russo, 2019)
Understanding these differences is crucial because it shifts the conversation from moral failing to neurological reality. We’re not failing to keep promises because we don’t care – our brain’s executive command centre processes intentions and actions differently.
Breaking the Cycle: Rebuilding Self-Trust with ADHD
So what do we do? As usual, I’m not here to offer quick fixes or productivity hacks. Instead, let’s focus on something more fundamental: rebuilding a compassionate, realistic relationship with yourself that honours your brain’s unique wiring.
1. Recognise the Pattern Without Judgment
The first step toward healing self-trust is becoming aware of the pattern without piling on shame. Research on self-compassion shows that practicing mindful awareness of our patterns – without harsh self-judgment – actually improves follow-through and resilience (Neff & Germer, 2020).
Permission Practice
Next time you notice a broken self-promise, try saying: “I notice I didn’t follow through on this intention. My brain processes commitments differently, and that’s okay. What can I learn from this time?”
2. Right-Size Your Promises
One of the most powerful ways to rebuild self-trust is to start making promises you can actually keep.
In their landmark study on habit formation, researchers Fogg and Eyal (2020) found that “micro-success” – tiny wins that build on each other – created stronger behaviour changes than ambitious commitments, especially for those with executive function challenges.
Permission Practice
Before making any self-commitment, ask yourself: “On my worst day, with my lowest energy and most distractions, could I still do this?” If not, make it smaller until the answer is yes.
Rather than promising yourself a complete home organisation overhaul this weekend, commit to clearing off one kitchen counter for 10 minutes. Instead of vowing to write for three hours, commit to opening your document and writing one sentence.
3. Create Systems That Honour Your Brain
Standard productivity advice focuses on pushing yourself to fit external expectations. But lasting change comes from creating systems aligned with how your brain naturally works.
Research by ADHD specialists Solanto and Ramsay (2021) demonstrates that externalised systems – those that take the burden off working memory and executive function – significantly improve follow-through for adults with ADHD.
Permission Practice
Design your environment and systems around your brain’s natural strengths. This might include:
- Body doubling: Working alongside someone else to activate social motivation pathways
- External accountability: Sharing commitments with someone who provides supportive check-ins
- Environmental cues: Using visual reminders in your direct line of sight
Reducing friction: Minimising steps between intention and action
My Personal Journey with Self-Trust
I’d be dishonest if I presented self-trust as a simple, linear journey.
My own path has been messy, with ongoing challenges and unexpected breakthroughs. For years, I believed my follow-through challenges were evidence of some fundamental character flaw. Each broken promise to myself, from missed deadlines to abandoned routines, reinforced this painful story.
The turning point came when I stopped trying to force my brain to operate like a neurotypical productivity machine and instead designed my life around how my ADHD brain actually works. Here are some of the strategies I’ve used – I encourage you to play around, see what works for you and adjust, adjust, adjust.
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Strategies I tried:
Most importantly, I’ve learned to view my relationship with myself as exactly that – a relationship requiring care, understanding, and ongoing attention.
The Research-Backed Path Forward
The science is clear: rebuilding self-trust means we need to create conditions that work with your brain instead of against it.
A comprehensive review by Russell Barkley (2022) confirms that successful management of ADHD involves “prosthetic environments” – external structures that complement executive function differences rather than demanding neurotypical performance.
This means:
- Externalising important information rather than relying on memory
- Breaking tasks into much smaller steps than might seem necessary
- Creating immediate consequences for important actions
- Building support systems that provide compassionate accountability
Starting Small: One Practice for Today
If you’re feeling the weight of broken self-promises and eroded self-trust, I invite you to start with just one small step:
Choose one tiny commitment you’ll make to yourself today, something so small it feels almost trivial. Maybe it’s drinking a glass of water, standing up and stretching for 30 seconds, or sending a single text message you’ve been putting off.
Make this promise an action, very specific and real (concrete) and something that you are 100% in control of. Then follow through, not because the task itself matters so much, but because you’re committed to learning how to rebuild the most important relationship in your life – the one with yourself.
Beyond Individual Change: Challenging the Systems
While personal strategies are essential, we must also acknowledge the broader context. Many of our self-trust challenges stem from trying to function in systems never designed for our brains.
Research by Dodson (2021) highlights how standard educational and workplace environments often disadvantage those with ADHD through their emphasis on neurotypical executive function skills.
Moving Forward with Self-Trust
Rebuilding self-trust with ADHD isn’t a destination but an ongoing practice. It happens one small promise at a time, through compassionate awareness rather than harsh discipline.
As you move forward, I invite you to:
- Notice the stories you tell yourself about reliability and follow-through
- Question productivity advice that doesn’t honor your brain’s wiring
- Design systems that work with, not against, your executive functions
- Practice self-compassion when patterns reemerge (they will)
- Celebrate tiny wins that strengthen your trust muscle
Remember: You are intelligent, sensitive, and capable. Your brain processes intentions and actions differently and that difference deserves accommodation, not constant self-criticism.
Key Takeaways
Stay Connected
If this resonates with you, I’d love to hear about your experiences with self-trust.
– What strategies have helped you rebuild faith in yourself?
– What systems have made the biggest difference?
Share in the comments below, or connect with me directly if you’d like more personalised support through your journey.
Stay curious,
Katherine
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