ADHD Myths: It’s not ‘an excuse’

ADHD Awareness Month 2023adhd awareness monthneurobiology

29 Oct

"Stop using your ADHD as an excuse!"

It’s quite normal - if we are diagnosed later in life, we do a lot of unpacking and re-interpreting our experiences through our new ADHD ‘lens’. Sometimes our family or partners begin to feel that we are using it ‘as an excuse’. It's a phrase that can make your blood boil and your heart sink. Today, we're going to talk about why ADHD is not an excuse, but a very real neurodevelopmental difference that deserves understanding and compassion.

What do people mean when they say it’s ‘an excuse’? Obviously there are lots of different situations and contexts but let’s think about a few common ones:

we have forgotten to do something
we have reacted in an emotional way
we are having trouble focusing
we keep doing something when it’s long past time to finish

and what they mean could be

‘why can’t you remember something I value or think is important?’
‘why are you being emotional when I don’t feel the same or know how to react to that?’
‘your lack of focus and attention makes me feel like it’s not important to you, or that since I can do it, you should be able to as well’
‘you can focus on things you enjoy so now I wonder why you can’t focus on everything you ‘should’ be focused on’.

It’s quite a sad list, isn’t it? And all of it really means - ‘I don’t really understand that ADHD is a brain development difference and that it will always have an impact on how you are, and I don’t know what to do with that information’. It might even mean ‘I feel guilty for not noticing before so now I’m going to continue to think it’s not real and then I don’t have to deal with my self-anger’.

…None of these are anything to do with you, are they?

What do we need everyone - especially the people who use this phrase - to understand then?

The Neurological Basis of ADHD

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder - the way the brain grows - with a biological basis.

It's associated with differences in both brain structure and function, particularly in areas related to attention, impulse control, and executive function. It's not a figment of someone's imagination or a convenient excuse. The science is clear: ADHD is real.

Functional MRI’s - FMRI’s - show that the way ADHD brains are connected and work are measurably different. There are areas that are thinner than typically developed brains - and in some cases, our brains catch up eventually in areas. The problem is that this is unpredictable, not guaranteed and variable.

The emotional impact of ADHD - DESR

When people say, "stop using ADHD as an excuse," they're not just questioning the reality of ADHD; they're also undermining the emotional and psychological well-being of those who live with it. The emotional toll can include feelings of shame, inadequacy, and isolation. It’s not quite ‘gaslighting’ but it definitely feels like it - especially when it’s the emotional disregulation that people are frustrated by. If it was possible to have learned to manage it, I don’t know anyone who would have not tried.

The Role of Executive Function in ADHD

ADHD is largely characterised by the way our challenges in executive function affect our behaviour and interaction with other people. These include skills like planning, organisation, attention, awareness of time and of course emotional regulation. Understanding this can help others to see that ADHD is not an "excuse" but rather a legitimate reason for certain behaviours and challenges. The difficulty is that for most people, they have not even heard of ‘Executive Functions’ before.

The answer, then, is education - and as much as we can, as many as we can, as quickly as we can.

What they could say instead

Instead of making unhelpful comments, find a quiet moment when you’re both feeling calm and connected. Open the conversation with an ‘I’ statement - “I feel … (upset/not believed)… when you say stop using ADHD as an excuse.” and then, if you can, offer an article or video that explains what is actually happening in your brain in that moment when they feel frustration.

Remind them that ADHD is not an excuse; it's an explanation, one that you’ve been looking for perhaps for years. It can also be the first step toward finding effective solutions, such as medication, behavioral therapy, or a combination of both.

How to care for yourself when you hear those comments

It is often in a moment of frustration or disregulation - when we are already overwhelmed and disregulated - that we get the ‘excuse’ comments. It’s a bit like throwing lighter fluid onto a barbecue - and the flames can go higher. If we are already hurt, or have been living with the challenges for a long time, it can reinforce our beliefs that we are somehow broken or not worth love because of our ADHD challenges.

Here are 5 steps to responding - not reacting - to these comments, whatever their motivation.

Pause and Breathe

Before reacting impulsively, pause and take a deep breath. This momentary pause allows the prefrontal cortex, the brain's decision-making center, to catch up and make a more reasoned response. Mindfulness techniques can be particularly useful here.

Assess the Situation

Consider the context and the person making the comment. Is this someone whose opinion genuinely matters to you? Sometimes, the comment may come from a place of ignorance rather than malice, and understanding that can help you decide how to respond.

Educate When Appropriate

If the situation is appropriate, use this as an opportunity to politely educate the person about ADHD. You might say, "ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition that affects various executive functions, like my working memory. It's not an excuse; it's a diagnosis." People only need enough information in the moment - not a full brain download (as tempting as it might be).

Set Boundaries

Make it clear that such comments are not acceptable and are harmful. You could say something like, "I understand you might not fully understand what ADHD looks like, but calling it an excuse is not helpful or accurate." Boundaries can be really difficult to say out loud, so don’t be surprised if that feels challenging.

Seek Support and Use Coping Strategies

After the comment, get in touch with supportive individuals who understand ADHD. This could be a coach, a friend, or a family member, or even people in an online community or peer support group. Discussing these comments can help you process them emotionally and think about what you will do if they say it again.

By following these steps, you not only stand up for yourself but also contribute to greater ADHD awareness.

ADHD is not an excuse; it's part of how your brain functions and why you have some difficulties. Understanding this is essential for both self-acceptance and improving society’s awareness of what ADHD is really like.

Let's change the narrative and start building a more compassionate world.

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Katherine