ADHD Parenting - different rules

Actual words from my health visitor:

You’re making a rod for your own back. If you don’t put her down and let her cry, she’ll never learn to sleep.

If you’re a first time parent, you have no other standard for what parenting should feel like.

The problem is that with ADHD and neurodivergent families, what works for us might look quite, quite different to what is expected.

It can start from having a real ‘velcro’ baby - or a ‘fireball’ who only calms with contact & motion to get to sleep, to a child of 8 or 9 who is still having trouble sleeping through the night or can’t manage the kind of domestic chores their peers are being given.

ADHD is Around 70-80% Heritable: Embracing Our Differently Wired Families

If you or your child has ADHD, it's highly likely that you're part of a wonderfully differently wired family. As I prepare for my presentation at the CHADD international conference in December, I've been struck by the wisdom shared by my interviewees and coaching clients: we NEED to accept our differences when it comes to parenting.

Trying to persist with strategies and tools that simply don’t work for our way of thinking is a recipe for frustration and further reinforcement of the ‘failure’ we experience - in the same way that fish fail to use bicycles very well, when they’re put into water, suddenly they are perfect..

The Traditional Parenting Paradigm

Traditional parenting often relies on a one-size-fits-all model which changes depending on which type of parenting style is popular at the time. These can be detrimental for ADHD families because put simply, we need a different kind of input and more support with executive functions and self regulation - for longer. A study by Johnston and Mash highlights the unique challenges ADHD parents face, emphasizing the need for tailored strategies.

Why ADHD Parenting is Different

Executive Functioning: ADHD brains struggle with executive functions, which impacts how we make decisions and our emotional regulation.

Sensory Sensitivities: Many with ADHD have heightened sensitivities, requiring a different approach to discipline and rewards.

Impulsivity: The ADHD brain is more impulsive, making traditional punishment ineffective. Impulsivity can range from grabbing a toy from a sibling to spending the food budget on something when feeling unhappy and disregulated.

Sometimes grandparents may not recognise that ‘behaviour’ is ADHD - and that they could be diagnosed too.

The generational impact of ADHD affects everything - and I do mean, everything. Data shows it can - unfortunately - negatively affect income, housing, job security, divorce rates, obesity, substance abuse, even rates of dementia - and incredibly, the number of people in prison with ADHD is estimated to be around 1 in 4 - 25%. Compare that to a population average of 10% of children and 5% of adults (in the USA. The UK figures are different but our diagnosis and assessment of adults means I don’t rely on those figures as accurate).

Strategies for ADHD Parenting

1. Positive Reinforcement: According to Dr. Russell Barkley, positive reinforcement works better than punishment for ADHD kids.

2. Structure and Routine: A study by Dupaul et al. shows that structured environments can help in managing ADHD symptoms.

3. Mindfulness and Emotional Coaching: Teaching mindfulness can help in emotional regulation, a key challenge in ADHD parenting.

Implementing these is exponentially harder for ADHD parents - especially the undiagnosed ones.

The fact is that parents who struggle themselves with emotional regulation, organisation, planning, keeping to a structure or rumination - will ALSO struggle to teach those skills to their children. It’s not about adding shame or guilt - we are who we are - but if we don’t know why we need to do things differently, we can’t change.

My top tips:

• Catch yourself - AND YOUR KIDS - doing things right. Don’t make a big deal about it, just acknowledge it lightly and move on.

• If you can, spend some time working out what you can let go of.

• This is easier after taking an ADHD lens to your challenge areas: is it picking up laundry? remembering to do a task? is it managing their emotions? Apply what we know about executive functions and see if some of what is a struggle - and might be worth getting into a conversation over in a neurotypical family - is actually just part of our ADHD brain furniture. Park it for now and focus on the positive.

• Don’t make reward charts. I know, they seem like a GREAT IDEA - but they need to be adapted to work for ADHD kids and our different reward response.

• Aim for a goldilocks routine: what do I mean? Aim for something between structure and flexibility that allows you all to avoid the constraint and burnout we get from rigid and demanding routines.

• Learn about Emotional Intelligence and how active ADHD mindfulness can be something you add to your lives. The best time to learn this is young. The next best time to learn this is NOW.

ADHD parenting doesn't have to follow the same rules as traditional parenting. By embracing our differences and tailoring our approach, we can create a more fun, harmonious and aligned with our own needs family dynamic.

My upcoming parenting webinar offers a deep dive into these strategies, providing expert guidance and an opportunity to look at my new supportive community for ADHD families (late November 2023).

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Warmly,

Katherine

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Further Reading:

Johnston, C., & Mash, E. J. (2001). Families of Children with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder: Review and Recommendations for Future Research. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 4(3), 183–207. ↩

Barkley, R. A. (2012). Executive Functions: What They Are, How They Work, and Why They Evolved. Guilford Press. 

Lane, S. J., Reynolds, S., & Dumenci, L. (2012). Sensory Overresponsivity and Anxiety in Typically Developing Children and Children with Autism and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: Cause or Coexistence? American Journal of Occupational Therapy, 66(5), 595–603. 

Nigg, J. T. (2017). Annual Research Review: On the Relations Among Self‐Regulation, Self‐Control, Executive Functioning, Effortful Control, Cognitive Control, Impulsivity, Risk‐Taking, and Inhibition for Developmental Psychopathology. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 58(4), 361–383. 

Barkley, R. A. (2013). Taking Charge of ADHD: The Complete, Authoritative Guide for Parents. Guilford Press. 

Dupaul, G. J., Weyandt, L. L., O'Dell, S. M., & Varejao, M. (2009). College Students With ADHD: Current Status and Future Directions. Journal of Attention Disorders, 13(3), 234–250. 

Young, S., Moss, D., Sedgwick, O., Fridman, M., & Hodgkins, P. (2015). A meta-analysis of the prevalence of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in incarcerated populations. Psychological Medicine, 45(2), 247-258. doi:10.1017/S0033291714000762

Zylowska, L., Ackerman, D. L., Yang, M. H., Futrell, J. L., Horton, N. L., Hale, T. S., ... & Smalley, S. L. (2008). Mindfulness Meditation Training in Adults and Adolescents With ADHD: A Feasibility Study. Journal of Attention Disorders, 11(6), 737–746.