ADHD + 3 types of self help: self esteem, self worth, self compassion leading to self acceptance

‘I don’t know. I don’t know why. I’ve just never felt good enough. I’m useless. I WANT to do more but.. I feel like I just don’t deserve it?’ OR ‘but why don't they like me? why are things so hard for me? it’s so unfair!’*

Hearing someone challenge you for having 'low self-esteem' can just feel like yet another blow for people with ADHD. The constant external—and often, internal—criticism can be overwhelming.

Today, we're diving deep into some self-help ideas: self-esteem, self-worth, and self-compassion, and introducing a fourth element—self-acceptance. These aren't just buzzwords; they're essential parts of your toolkit that can help you feel amazing and unlock your full potential.

During the 2020-2022 phase of the ongoing SARS2 pandemic, I was incredibly fortunate to meet a psychologist who introduced me to the practice of self-compassion. Working in the NHS, I had experienced a deep, profound burn out that was compounded by seeing the suffering of my teen - like all young people, the impact of repeated lock down was profound. We tried to keep working and busy but it was a difficult, traumatic time. This incredible woman directed me to the work of Dr Kristen Neff - whose practices I use today and I offer as a suggestion to clients all the time.

But what do I mean when we talk about ‘self-compassion’ - and how does it relate to things like ‘self-worth’, ‘self-esteem’ - even self confidence? Does ADHD make these more difficult?

Loving Kindness: a self-compassion practice that can change our daily lives.

Defining the Terms:

• Self-Esteem: This is your self-evaluation - what you think of your own self, very often connected to what we have achieved or accomplished and the praise or criticism of other people. It's how you see your worth based on your achievements and social standards. So although it’s our own view, the measurement is very ‘external’. More on this below!

• Self-Worth: Unlike self-esteem, self-worth is your intrinsic value as a human being, irrespective of external factors. It's the unconditional love and respect you have for yourself. This one is particularly difficult for most of us, as we usually were praised for what we did or achieved. When did we last tell someone they were loved ‘just for being themselves’ - on the bad days and the good?

• Self-Compassion: This involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding as you would a good friend. It's about being your own ally, especially during challenging times. Dr Neff developed it even further and combined it with a traditional ‘loving kindness’ practicality - so that even in the moments of suffering, we accept and love ourselves.

And now one that I feel is essential for ADHD -

• Self-Acceptance: This is the product of self-worth, and self-compassion. It's the ability to embrace all parts of yourself, including your flaws and limitations.

There is growing evidence that teaching children self-esteem - valuing ourselves only in comparison to others and on the basis of what we achieve, or what other people tell us about ourselves - not only causes a shocking rise in narcissism, but - I. believe - a real fragility in people. If other people don’t tell us nice things - if they disagree with our view of ourselves that is built on the shifting sands of the external world - it can do real damage when that is challenged or just taken away.

The Synergy & Power of Self-Acceptance

1. Balance: Relying solely on self-esteem can make you vulnerable to life's ups and downs. Self-worth and self-compassion offer a more stable foundation.

2. Resilience: A balanced approach to all three (self-worth, self-compassion and self-acceptance) can make you more resilient to criticism, both internal and external.

3. Holistic Well-being: Focusing on all three aspects can lead to a more balanced and fulfilling life, especially when guided by expert coaching, as well as measurable differences in mood and changes in depression scores over time.

4. The Role of Self-Acceptance: When you achieve a balance between self-worth and self-compassion, you reach a state of self-acceptance. This is the ultimate goal, as it allows you to live authentically and find peace within yourself.

The goal of ‘well-being’ isn’t to pretend that life doesn’t cause us pain or suffering - but to see that it is all part of the universal experience - and passes. Instead of gritting our teeth and using a ‘toxic positive’ mindset, we can give ourselves (and others) real warmth and compassion in those moments of pain. This leads to genuine resilience even in challenging time. It also means when we - as people with ADHD - have those fast, strong flashes of emotional disregulation, we can bounce back faster and regain our balance - our self-regulation, more quickly.

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Compassion: Which is More Useful?

While self-esteem is important, it's often conditional and can fluctuate based on external circumstances. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is unconditional and provides a more stable emotional base. Research suggests that self-compassion can be particularly beneficial for mental well-being, especially for those with ADHD (Mitchell et al., 2014).

The importance of using self-compassion and growing self-acceptance for anyone with ADHD is very clear when we look at the rates of things like depression and social anxiety in ADHD.

Nearly 60% of teen girls reported persistent feelings of sadness and hopelessness during the past year, double the rate reported 10 years ago, and twice the rate in boys.

1 in 3 of girls seriously considered attempting suicide during the past year, up nearly 60% from a decade ago. At least 1 in 10 girls attempted suicide in the past year. Among LGBTQ+ youth, the number was more than 1 in 5. Girls with combined type ADHD are 3 to 4 times more likely to attempt suicide than are their neurotypical peers, and they are 2.5 times more likely to engage in non-suicidal self-injuring behaviour. These figures are from the American ‘Youth Risk Behaviour Survey’ - but the rest of the world follows where our American friends go first and social media means there is far less distance between nations now.

So you can understand why I think it is essential we teach ourselves - and then our young people - how to live with self-compassion and self-acceptance embedded in every day.

Practical Steps towards Self-Acceptance

Let’s say I’ve convinced you how amazing this is. How it can - with practice and in only 10-15 minutes a day - help you and the people you love feel better AND improve how you live with ADHD. (I know - I might have to work on convincing you a little more). What can we do to get there?

• Mindfulness Meditation: This practice has been shown to help in developing self-compassion - and the good news is that it CAN be practiced by anyone, ADHD or not.

• Positive Affirmations: These can boost self-esteem and self-worth, and their effectiveness can be enhanced through coaching. I’ll be sharing how to create ones that are practical for ADHD brains too.

• Join Supportive communities: there are several online but be aware that not all of them are suitable or understand how neurodivergent minds need a different approach to some of their tools.
  
  

Are you ready to try adding self-compassion to your daily life? What more would you like to know about it? Let me know below.

You can watch Dr Neff’s TED talk here.

*No clients are quoted - EVER - in these blog articles. These comments are typical of the self-talk I hear daily in my practice. I strictly adhere to the ICF and PAAC Codes of Ethics particularly around client confidentiality. Please be assured that these are ‘made up’, in the hope that it allows others to feel heard without endangering any individual’s personal details.

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Katherine

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Further Reading

Knouse, L. E., Bagwell, C. L., Barkley, R. A., & Murphy, K. R. (2005). "Accuracy of Self-Evaluation in Adults with ADHD: Evidence from a Driving Study." Journal of Attention Disorders, 8(4), 221–234.

Neff, K. D. (2011). "Self-Compassion, Self-Worth, and Well-being." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 101(1), 14–27.

Neff, K.D. (2022) Fierce Self-Compassion:

Mitchell, J. T., Zylowska, L., & Kollins, S. H. (2014). "Mindfulness Meditation Training for Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder in Adulthood: Current Empirical Support, Treatment Overview, and Future Directions." Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 21(2), 172–191.

Tse, J., & Bagwell, C. L. (2014). "The Role of Coaching in Enhancing Self-Esteem." Coaching: An International Journal of Theory, Research and Practice, 7(2), 131–142.

Keng, S., Smoski, M. J., & Robins, C. J. (2011). "Effects of Mindfulness on Psychological Health: A Review of Empirical Studies." Psychological Bulletin, 137(6), 1049–1061.
Layous, K., Nelson, S. K., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2013). "Benefit Finding and Physical Health: Positive Psychological Changes and Enhanced Altruism." Journal of Positive Psychology, 8(3), 215–223.

Donnellan, M., Trzesniewski, K., Robins, R., Moffitt, T., & Caspi, A. (2005). "Low Self-Esteem Is Related to Aggression, Antisocial Behavior, and Delinquency." Psychological Science. DOI: [10.1111/j.0956-7976.2005.01535.x](https://dx.doi.org/10.1111/j.0956-7976.2005.01535.x)

Luhtanen, R. K., & Crocker, J. (2005). "Alcohol use in college students: effects of level of self-esteem, narcissism, and contingencies of self-worth." Psychology of Addictive Behaviors. DOI: [10.1037/0893-164X.19.1.99](https://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0893-164X.19.1.99)

Twenge, J., Konrath, S., Foster, J., Campbell, W. K., & Bushman, B. (2008). "Further Evidence of an Increase in Narcissism Among College Students." Journal of Personality. DOI: [10.1111/J.1467-6494.2008.00509.X](https://dx.doi.org/10.1111/J.1467-6494.2008.00509.X)

Zeigler-Hill, V., Vrabel, J. K., McCabe, G. A., Cosby, C. A., Traeder, C. K., Hobbs, K. A., & Southard, A. C. (2018). "Narcissism and the pursuit of status." Journal of Personality. DOI: [10.1111/jopy.12392](https://dx.doi.org/10.1111/jopy.12392)

Philipsen, A. (2012). Psychotherapy in adult attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: implications for treatment and research. Link to Article