The Toxic Four-Letter Word That Keeps Us Small

We all know the four-letter words we’re not “supposed” to say – although most of the TV detective shows I watch would be almost silent without them!

But there’s one I hear all the time in my coaching sessions – and no one even flinches when it’s said.

It slips out of brilliant mouths. People with PhDs, people raising children, people running large and small businesses. People who care deeply and work HARD.

Have you guessed what it is yet?

It’s “just.”

“I just need to get organised.”
“I just need to try harder.”
“I just need to send that email / fold that laundry / stop being like this.”
“I just need to make a DECISION.”

And I think it might be one of the most quietly toxic words we use without even hearing it.

Why “Just” Feels Harmless (and Why It Isn’t)

On the surface, “just” sounds

small.

Harmless.
Even Helpful – motivating!.
It’s meant to make things sound simpler, right?

“I just need to do X” sounds like: this shouldn’t be hard. I should already be able to do this. Let me shrink it down and remove the fuss… Why am I making such a fuss?

But here’s the trouble:

if your decisions are complex with multiple variables, your executive functions are struggling, your nervous system is overloaded, or your mental load has you two tabs away from tears,
“just” is a slap in the face wrapped in cotton wool.
Because what you’re really saying is:

“I shouldn’t be struggling with this.”
“This isn’t hard – so I must be the problem.”

The Neuroscience Bit: Why It Hurts More Than It Helps

If you’re someone with ADHD (diagnosed or self-diagnosed), this might feel too familiar.
Research shows that people with ADHD already face higher baseline levels of self-criticism and internalised failure. According to a meta-analysis published in Clinical Psychology Review (Knouse et al., 2005), adults with ADHD report lower self-esteem and more self-blame than neurotypical adults – even when their actual productivity doesn’t differ much.

And it’s not about intelligence. It’s about how our brains regulate action.

Executive function – what Dr. Russell Barkley calls “the brain’s command center” – isn’t about knowing what to do. It’s about doing what you know, in the moment, without internal yelling.

And when that system is glitchy, simple tasks don’t feel simple.

Saying “I just need to do it” ignores your brain’s wiring. It ignores the invisible resistance. It builds shame instead of momentum.

Client Story (Shared with Permission)

One of my clients caught themself in a loop recently. They were saying I “just needed to get a grip.”

But as we slowed it down, what emerged was so much richer:

In short: they were growing. But every time they said “just,” they were shrinking that growth.
So we reframed.

What if “I just need to get a grip” became:
“I’m doing a lot. What’s one thing that would support me right now?” Or: “I feel overwhelmed. What part of this feels hard, and how can I meet my true need?”

By the end of our coaching, they were speaking differently. Not performatively. Authentically. The change continues between sessions and beyond.

The Cousin of “Just”: The Should

“Should” is the older sibling of “just.”

If “just” says “this is easy and I’m the problem,”
then “should” says “I owe this to someone, even if it hurts me.”

“I should be better at this.”
“I should be more grateful.”
“I should be able to manage this, so many other people do.”

They’re scripts, and most of us inherited them young.

They come from school, family, media, capitalism, toxic productivity culture, the weird pressure to be both exhausted and efficient, soft and productive, grateful and never resting.

Dr. Kristin Neff, pioneer of self-compassion research, writes in Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself that “most of us motivate ourselves through self-criticism,” thinking it will make us try harder. But it doesn’t. It makes us afraid of failure and more likely to give up.

How Language Shapes Self-Perception

The words we use with ourselves aren’t neutral. They’re cues. They either reinforce our humanity or deny it.

When you say: “I just need to send the email.”

You ignore:

What would change if instead you said:

“That email feels heavy today. What would make it easier?”

This is how you create a different path – by giving yourself a ramp instead of trying to scale a vertical cliff.

The Self and ADHD

I recently noticed an essential idea most people miss : how my clients (with and without ADHD, but especially those with) need reminding – often throughout the day – of who they are by the language they use about their lives and being able to speak to accepting, affirming but BS-calling out humans.

(Sorry ChatGPT, but you need to learn how to spot the over-optimism and call that out too).

Because of the working memory impairments many of us live with, we have a greater need to discover and have reaffirmed who we are and what we are doing.

That can be a big ‘WHO’ or a small ‘what’ – who am I at my core, what are my values and my needs, what is my role in my work or my society – or it can be ‘what are my OKRs for this quarter and how did I end up over here instead of over there?’

Try This: A Micro Language Audit

Over the next day or two, try to notice:

And then, try swapping it with a different kind of phrase:

Instead of: “I just need to do this.”
Say: “This feels hard. How can I make this smaller and easier?”

Instead of: “I should be able to…”
Say: “Do I actually want to? Is this important to me or someone else?”

Instead of: “Why can’t I just…”
Say: “How can I make this feel possible?”

You need to focus on reducing the friction between your brain and your goals – and language is a powerful tool to use for free, in the moment.

Want More Support with This?

This is the kind of work we start inside ADHD & Me, my partnership that helps smart, self-aware adults shift from “I know better but I’m still stuck” to “I trust my brain and I can find my way through.”

We dismantle shame-fueled language.
We build real systems based on your actual capacity.
We rewire what motivation sounds like.
And yes – we break up with “just” and “should.” Put those words in the bin.

Final Thoughts: You’re Not a Productivity Machine

If you’ve said “I just need to get my act together,” or “I should be better by now,” or “I just don’t know what’s wrong with me” –

Please hear this:

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not lazy. Or broken. Or behind.
You are human in a system that’s designed for robots.

And the more you watch your language, the more you start to hear what your brain really needs. (Not a lecture. A bit of grace.)

Stay curious. Take care of yourself. Warmly, Katherine

Don’t miss these posts – or my podcasts and resources.

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