3 – ADHD adults be like: Why am I so bad at adulting?

Key Points

Adults with ADHD are more likely to struggle with traditional markers of adulthood

Research shows that the more severe your executive function challenges, the more likely you are to experience lower income, relationship difficulties, smaller social networks, and housing instability.

You might think this is a personal failing but it’s a direct result of how ADHD affects the brain systems responsible for planning, organisation, time management, and emotional regulation.

Society expects adults to seamlessly manage jobs, relationships, homes, and finances, but these expectations were designed for neurotypical brains. Understanding this connection helps explain why adulting feels so much harder with ADHD and why traditional advice often doesn’t work.

Inattentive ADHD presentation faces the greatest adulting challenges

People with inattentive ADHD, who were more likely to be missed in childhood because they weren’t disruptive, actually face more severe executive function problems as adults than those with hyperactive presentations.

While hyperactive ADHD symptoms are more visible and often addressed earlier, inattentive ADHD can go undiagnosed for decades, leaving adults wondering why they can’t seem to function like everyone else.

The quiet struggle of inattentive ADHD often leads to years of self-blame and confusion before receiving proper diagnosis and support.

ADHD brains develop differently, affecting adult readiness

Brain maturation in ADHD occurs approximately 2-3 years later than in neurotypical individuals, with full development happening around age 25-30 instead of early twenties.

The delay is ‘patchy’ and only affects some parts of our brain so it is normal for adults to be confused at children who are ‘great at things they’re interested in but can’t remember to do x or y’…

This developmental delay particularly affects the prefrontal cortex, which handles executive functions crucial for adult responsibilities. When society expects you to be fully functional at 18 or 21, but your brain development is running on a different timeline, the gap between expectations and capability creates significant stress and self-doubt.

Time perception deficits make adult planning nearly impossible

Adults with ADHD have a significantly shortened “time horizon” – often seeing only 4 weeks ahead instead of the typical 12-week range. This makes long-term planning for retirement, career advancement, health management, and major purchases incredibly difficult.

Time also passes differently for ADHD brains, making it hard to accurately estimate how long tasks will take or maintain consistent schedules. This isn’t laziness or poor planning – it’s a core neurological difference that affects every aspect of adult life.

Executive functions work like a conductor that’s constantly distracted

In ADHD, executive functions operate more slowly and less automatically than in neurotypical brains. Instead of seamlessly coordinating different brain regions for planning, organization, and emotional regulation, the ADHD brain struggles to keep all these systems working together efficiently.

It’s like trying to conduct an orchestra while also playing multiple instruments – possible, but exhausting and requiring much more conscious effort than it should.

Emotional regulation challenges aren’t about being “too sensitive”

Deficient Emotional Self-Regulation (DESR) is a core feature of ADHD that significantly impacts adult functioning. Adults with ADHD often experience more intense emotions and have greater difficulty managing emotional responses in professional and personal settings.

You are not being fragile or oversensitive – there are very real differences in the areas of your brain that are responsible for emotional processing. When society expects adults to maintain emotional control in stressful situations, ADHD brains may need additional tools and strategies to meet these expectations.

The sweet spot between structure and flexibility is crucial for ADHD adults

ADHD brains need more structure than neurotypical brains but can’t handle rigid systems that leave no room for flexibility. The key is finding the “Goldilocks zone” – just enough structure to provide scaffolding, but enough flexibility to accommodate ADHD traits like hyperfocus, variable energy levels, and need for novelty.

This might mean using time-blocking that allows for shifts, planning systems that can be regularly updated, or work arrangements that balance routine with variety.